Crones Chronicles

Don't let them get away with it

2011-01-24T16:07:00.000-08:00

I have just got to post this. I am so angry I can't see straight.

The republicans are going to try to get rid of social security. YES!!! Can you believe it. I can't. It's unbelieveable that these fat pompus jack asses would even attempt to destoy the lives of so many people who have worked their butts off their whole lives. It's our money. We payed into it on the belief that we'd have some, whatever small amount, security as we age. We didn't hand it over to the government to waste on whatever frivolous folly they see fit. I signed a petition on MoveOn.org. I hope you check it out and sign it too. We've got to stop this travesty!

Please help.

New year...old problem

2011-01-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

When you get to be a certain age, finding a job becomes almost impossible. The whole process takes enormous tolls on your psyche and your self esteem.

You know you have to keep trying but the longer you go the less you want to. You get to the point where you want to throw in the towel and say ‘I give. You win.’ And about the time you start to get comfortable with your new situation the universe pulls you back. Throws you a carrot of hope only to dash it again and leaves you feeling lower than you were before.

But also with that rejection comes the resolve to leave your old life behind for good and accept the fact that from now on everything will be different. But different doesn’t have to mean worse. Why is that so hard to believe? Different could mean so much better. More and brighter opportunities and a better future. I want to believe that but it’s hard when you’re sitting in your living room in the middle of the day with no where to go and no direction in front of you.

How do you let go and move on when you don’t know which way to go? Who do you turn to to find the answers that will help you make good decisions? Especially when you have tried throughout your life to find just such a person and found them all lacking. When you were younger it was easier to recover and take a new path, after all, the doors were still wide open in all directions. But now at that certain age most of those doors are closed. Not only is your age against you. Something you have no control over. But the cost and time of starting over is ridiculous and prohibitive, even if you could find a new career that not only interested you but allowed you to use all the skills you’d acquired up to this point.

Now what? Where do you go from here? How do you get there?

I don’t have any answers. Do you? If you do, please let me know because I could use the advice.

Some advice for that time of change

2010-12-15T12:19:00.000-08:00

If you’ve ever gone through an unplanned transition in your life you know how devastating it can be. The comfort zone you once depended on has been ripped away and you’re left hanging in air without a safety net. You know you have to move on and make a change but you can’t seem to do it. You have no idea what direction to turn or what to do next.

You want advise and comfort but your family and friends (if you have any to turn to) are only willing to listen for so long. They are soon indicating that you should just suck it up and do something. They obviously have never been in that situation, or if they have, they’ve blocked it out or idealized it. You’re expected to just make up your mind and go for it. Of course, they can’t seem to tell you what that “something to go for” is.

What you really need is time to grieve, time to let the situation sink in, time to re-evaluate your position and consider your options without pressure. But most of all, time to grieve. But people aren’t willing to give you that. Are they? In this environment of instant gratification and self-absorption you’re expected to jump in and “just do it.” You see, it’s because no one else wants to be reminded that it can happen to anyone…even them.

“Just do it” is easier said than done.

When you’re in your twenties or thirties, or even forties it’s easier. You have options, maybe even dreams that still seem possible. But when you hit your fifties and beyond it’s not so easy. This societies view of those over forty is discouraging, demeaning, and disheartening. You’re no longer Wall Street’s target market and to them you aren’t important. Check out the TV ads. However, now with the Boomers in such big supply there are ads all over the channels selling “old people” stuff. You know, Medicare supplement insurance, wheel chairs, nursing homes, funeral and long term insurance, and of course, the drugs-lots and lots of drugs whether you need them or not. It’s insulting. It’s discouraging.

How you can look forward to a rewarding new life when you’re bombarded with images of dotage and redundancy. Being told that you’re no longer useful, capable, no even mentally acute. You know you’re the same person you’ve always been, you’re just as good as you ever were but…you’re no longer pretty and perky. No one wants to work with their “parents” or worse yet their “grandparents.” Once again they don’t want to be reminded of their own future. It scares them.

So what do you do?

Maybe the first thing you can do is cry if you feel like it. Yes you can. It’s a lose and you’re in pain. The crying will cleans your soul.

If you need to get mad…do it. Let yourself feel the anger, fear, and pain. Let it out and then let it go. It’s cathartic. Rant at the mirror everything you’ve ever wanted to say to whoever. Say what ever you want no matter how mean or irrational. It’ll feel good. But the best part is that no one will hear and you have no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed later. Or go hit a punching bag, or a pillow. Anything to get the frustration out without hurting yourself, anyone, or anything else. That wouldn’t help at all.

Then go ahead and allow yourself to let go of the past. You can’t do anything about that now because it’s already happened and wishing and hoping things will go back to the way they were isn’t going to help. In fact it’ll only hold you back. The universe is telling you that it’s time for you to discover something new and better. I mean, really look at what you’re leaving behind. Was it all that you wanted? Were you really happy there? If so, well then you were very lucky. But it’s probably time for you to grow into something even better, something more in line with who you are now. After all you’re not the same person you were twenty years ago, you’ve grown, you’re abilities and knowledge have grown. Isn’t it time to live up to those new strengths? Yes it is.

Now dream. What would you love to be able to do? What did you always say you would do if you had the time? Well now you do. Don’t let the fears get in the way because there are always ways to get around the “buts.” Those dreams will help to point you in the right direction. Don’t let anyone else’s “shoulds” stand in your way, after all you’re just dreaming at this point.

Once you’ve found a dream or two that you’d love to look into. Take the time to try it out. Take baby steps that don’t require a huge commitment of any kind. See if you like it, if it fits into the life you want for yourself now. Does it make you happy, satisfied, fulfilled? Does it get you up in the morning raring to go? That’s what you want. Don’t let “making money” be the driving factor here because at first it won’t. But who knows, if you’re smart and work at it, it just may. And if you need motivation to keep going, read other peoples success stories, get connected to others who do what you want to do and learn from them. You’ll feel successful and you won’t be in it alone. At last.

And lastly…keep at it. The only persons opinion that’s important is your own. You can do it if you really want to. It’s a new more interesting direction with all kinds of new things to experience. Move on with excitement and optimism.

But first of all allow yourself to grieve.

A time of change-Make it so

2010-12-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

I know that I’m in another period of transition. It’s happened many times and it’s never been easy but this time is the worst.

I know that I want this change to happen but for some reason I can’t seem to let go of the past and move forward. It’s hard going it alone. But as I say that I realize that I’ve always gone it alone. Only once did I have the support of someone who loved me. But unfortunately when I started down my path he felt he wasn’t needed and turned to someone else. He was a helper and I don’t need help…not that kind of help. What I need is emotional support and a belief in my abilities. That’s what I’ve lacked my whole life. Someone to stand beside me and cheer me on, and give me sound advise when I ask it and a shove forward when I doubt myself.

And I doubt myself now. All the old tapes keep replaying in my mind. ‘You can’t make a living doing that. Be practical. There’s always someone better than you. You’ll never be the best. You’ll never be good enough.’ How can you succeed with things like that tearing you down every day. But I have to be my own cheerleader, I always have.

The thing I realize is that for the last ten years my drive has dwindled. My belief that there were options, and that I could explore as a way to move forward and up. But the truth is that my real dreams…MY dreams…got relegated to the status of hobby. Something I did on weekends or filled my time at night while watching TV before getting ready for work the next day. My focus was always on the next work day. Even on the weekends. The thing is that I gave them my soul and they gave me only a temporary and tentative place to work. Some were good and some were not but I gave them all the same dedication. Oh sure I made decent money and I’m thankful for that but I never felt like I belonged or even sometimes respected. That’s the life of a contract technical writer.

And now they no longer want me so it seems. I don’t know why and I can’t seem to do anything about it so now I have to accept that fact and move on. I want to. I really want to spend the rest of my life doing things that I love and that fulfill me but I’m afraid. Afraid of the things that all people fear as they get older. I’m trying hard to make sure that there’s no need to be afraid. But I am and it hinders my progress. I need to let go of the past and set goals for my future. I’ve done it before why can I seem to do it now?

I keep making baby steps on my “projects” but I can’t quite view them as my new career they are still just hobbies. I guess I feel like I should have taken them more seriously years ago and now it’s too late to catch up. But skills build and career fields change so how can it be too late. What I want to do doesn’t judge you on your age but on your skill.

I know I need a new mind set. I tell myself that all the time. Am I just impatient? Am I not giving myself time to grieve? Am I just being lazy and taking the easy way out? A way that I know I will regret. Maybe I need to sit down and write a business plan for each idea. Not a formal one but a road map and a tentative schedule. Pick a direction and just go and not look back. That’s what I need. I feel the focus building as I write this and I wish I could get it to stick around. I’ll have to find something to remind and motivate myself.

I must be my own mentor and cheerleader. As Captain Picard always said…”Make it so.”

Another new twist of fate

2010-07-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

I lost my contract yesterday. Out of the blue I got a call from my agency to say the manager had decided it just wasn’t working out. Just like that no warning, no discussion, no nothing. Just because he had one of his fit-of-peaks.

My rep met me there so I could get my stuff. Apparently that isn’t normal. But I got a chance to tell her my take on the situation and fill her in on what’s been going on. I even had a chance to talk to him but I decided that it wasn’t useful so she said she would talk to him instead. So while I was gathering my things she went to his office. As she walked me to my car she said that he admitted that he may have over reacted and was sorry for his actions. Good. But he’s decided that he needs someone different so he’s not changing his mind. Good. But I don’t think he’ll be truly happy until he gets some hard-charging bull of a guy who he thinks walks on water. But that isn’t me. But she tells me that at least this isn’t going to sully my reputation. Good.

At first I was mad, then upset because it felt like it attacked my abilities and professionalism, then I was sad and full of self-accusations, and now I am alright with it. And it feels good.

As I look back on the contract I see that I was never very happy there. It was never clear what I was supposed to be doing, the manager was hardly available and when he was it wasn’t all that useful. He was the roadblock more than any other thing. And lately I have just been doing clean up work for the full time writers. Sure I volunteered but that was because I needed something to do. I was even wondering what I was doing there and what I was supposed to do in the future. So all in all I’m glad it’s over.

This morning my first reaction was to sulk but I decided that I wasn’t going to let this get me down. The universe did this for a reason and it’s up to me to make the most of it. What ever it is. So I showered, dressed, and now I’m ready for the day. I did sit down on the couch for a few minutes but I don’t want to make a habit of that. I need to use my life to do something to make me happy. It’s about time. I’m turning my life into something I want. At last.

I still don’t know what that is or what direction that’ll be but I’m not going to wallow. That way isn’t going to make my thinking any clearer. Other people do just fine without that company and so can I. I’m an individual not a clone or Borg. I need to do my thing my way. I know it won’t be easy. Being your own boss never is but then working for someone else isn’t either. Especially not at a soul-stealing corporation.

So maybe this last contract was just that and it was meant to show me what I wouldn’t be missing. Except the money of course. But who knows, maybe I can make more money some other way. All I need to do is focus and dedicate myself to what I choose to do. That's how people become successful. I keep saying that I want to write novels, paint, and make jewelry so maybe that’s what I need to focus on now. I’m good at all those things and I have a huge imagination so I should make the most of those talents.

And that’s how I see it now.

I keep getting sidetracked

2010-05-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

Someone reminded me yesterday that the end of my contract is drawing near. It wasn’t a shock but it did make me realize that I haven’t held to the commitment that I made to myself when I started. I wasn’t going to focus all my energy on this place, I was going to treat it as secondary to the business that I want to start.

It’s too easy to get sidetracked when I have a job. By the time I get home it’s too late to start anything and I’m tired. The stress of being either too busy or not busy enough can really exhaust me. Plus my favorite shows are all the company I have waiting for me so I let myself enjoy them. I know it’s no replacement for a life but it’s all I have time for. It’s all I have.

I saw on the news this morning that a 90 year old woman just got her Master’s in Psychology. Go grandma! And she was as mentally sharp as people half her age. Plus she was energetic and feisty. She said there are so many options for her and I believe her.

That’s how I want to feel and be. That’s what I want to believe. I’ve always said so but lately I’m limiting myself with negative talk. I don’t know when it started because I was never like that before but being forced into Medicare and facing the age of full retirement just put a fine point on it. And I resent the hell out of it. Why does everyone get pigeonholed? What does age have to do with anything? It’s your health and your attitude that counts.

This may sound like I’ve digressed but I haven’t because it’s all tied together. I’ve allowed myself to get old, to feel old. But as I walk down the halls here at work I see faces that remind me that I’m not alone. And I’m doing pretty darn good if I must say so myself. Sure I have my low days but in general I’m great. I don’t look my age and when I’m not focusing on it I don’t feel it either. What I need is a focus other than this job. Because I am a contractor and that means temporary. But my life isn’t temporary or short term and it’s the only thing I have any control over in the long run. I have to do what is best for me so I can have the kind of life I really want.

I just had to capture this thought and hold on to it to use as a milestone. I want to be able to check in next year and see that I've made progress. It's all a mind set and I need to readjust mine right now.

Blessed be.

A passion for Glee

2010-05-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about the television show Glee yesterday and I figured out why it’s such a hit. Yes the show is great and the people soooo very talented, but it’s more than that. I think it touches a deep seated desire down in everyones souls. Passion. Feeling a passion for what you do like those kids feel. And hope. A hope that someday your dreams will come true.

See, I really believe that the majority of the people out there are living unfulfilled unsatisfied lives and the show lets them feel, if only for an hour, what their souls are missing. And it makes them happy and sad at the same time. I think that’s why the show has such an impact because it taps into those feelings.

At least it does for me. Am I reading too much into it? Yah, well, I have been told I think too much. But I also feel too much as well. Ah well, that’s the burden of being a Pisces. ;-) And I wouldn't be any other way.

Blessed be.

It's another Friday...

2010-05-07T12:49:00.000-07:00

It’s Friday just minutes before noon and I’m tied to a desk in an office of a huge corporation. I know I shouldn’t complain because I do, after all, have a job even if it is only a contract of short duration. But it is so hard to stay committed to something that isn’t committed to me. I try to feel connected and passionate, but I can’t. I’m no longer a wide-eyed 20 something just out of collage on my first job. Far from it. I’ve been around for too long to put my faith in anything corporate or authoritarian anymore. And the bigger they are the less I trust them.

You see, I’m actually at the other end of the road looking for the exit. Unfortunately that exit sign isn’t as obvious and safe as it once was. The corporate world changed about 20 years ago, and not for the better in all respects. Gone are the days when the employee was a permanent member of the corporate family, both sides working to support each other. Where a loyal employee could count on the corporation watching out for their golden years. But then maybe that’s just one of those pipe dreams of a perfect past that never really existed. But regardless of whether it’s true or not, the present is definitely worse in many ways. Yes freedom has replaced the old punch-timeclock forced slavery but that freedom has opened up a world of easy abuse by the greedy and the sociopathic. And that freedom will brings this world to its knees one of these days. And there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it.

Now that I’ve reach the age of eyes-wide-open to reality, I desperately want to create a future for myself that will finally be satisfying and joyous. But it’s hard to envision that kind of life when you are surrounded by the news-of-the-day. It’s depressing and I believe it’s meant to be that way so we feel that we have no power. Because powerless people are easy to control. Ignorant, uniformed people are easier to manipulate. And it’s a scary world out there.

Yes I am down today. I’ve been feeling this way for a while now but I will eventually get fed up and find some direction to go that will give my life purpose again. And I can’t wait. I hate feeling hopeless, helpless, and alone because I know I am none of these things. But sometimes I can’t help it.

Here's to holding out hope for a better tomorrow.

Blessed be.

No pro blogger

2010-02-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

You know, I thought about becoming a professional blogger but I have realized that I’m not that kind of person…or maybe it’s just my age.

Why do you think that you ask? Well, because I just read an article called Blog Damage Control on www.freelancewritinggigs.com which talks about what to do when you don’t blog consistently and need to fix your egregious error. And it made me realize that I’m not that kind of person.

I think being a professional blogger is a bit like being the neighborhood busybody and buttinski. It sounds like you have to be constantly and intimately tied into everything and everybody else’s business and making comments about it all every day or several times a day. And all I can say to that is…No Way. I’m here to tell you that I don’t live and die by what other people do. And as for what’s going on in the world…I’m sick of it and all it does is make me depressed.

But then maybe it is my age. I’m sure that most of the professional bloggers are half my age and still in the I’m-in-the battle-to-win stage of life where everything is of vital importance and they think they can really do it all and make a difference. Been there, done that. At my age I’ve been around long enough to know better. Oh, I’m not knocking their enthusiasm and idealism, I think it’s great and there are times when I wish I could feel that way again. And occassionally I get pissed off enough to be compelled to write an article and voice some outrage or other. But to tell you the truth I can’t do it constantly. I’ve done my time tilting at windmills and trying to fight the good fight for justice and the American Way. Sigh.

I have to admit that things have changed in the last 60 years but it took two thousand years to get here. And as long as people continue to function in the winner-takes-all mentality it'll take another thousand to get where it should be. The good folks can maybe create a little speed bump on the greed-motivated-freeway but the powers that be with all the money will always win out in the end if not quite in they way they want. That’s the way they’ve set things up. And I’m too tired and disillusioned to fight anymore.

So sorry kids it's your turn now. But don't forget, you’ll be here soon enough and you’ll see what I mean when you get here. But go ahead and keep up the fight. After all you never know, it might happen. Maybe. In my dreams and in yours.

Blessed be.

Old friends give new balance

2010-01-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

It’s interesting how meeting with people you went to high school with can really put you and your life into perspective.

The only contact I’ve had with anyone from back then has been at the reunions and the last one was about six years ago. It’s amazing how we’ve changed. This particular contact happened because I sent an email to a women that I used to hang out with back then. It was just a “Hi how are you doing” note but she responded by saying that a bunch of people were meeting for breakfast on Sunday and would I like to join them. I thought it would be fun so I did.

I wasn’t sure that we’d have anything to talk about because our lives have been so different. They all had gone the traditional route with marriage and family, now grandkids, and aging parents, with all the drama that goes along with it. I was married a couple of times but no kids and no aging parents.

After listening to them talk and sharing my own story I was struck by how lucky I’ve been even though it hasn’t always felt like it. But seeing them again helped me to come to grips with my age, what I really am not what I feel or look like. It helped me to realize that even though I try to ignore it, I am the age I am and time marches on. So I have to take care of myself, avoid the doctors and their drugs, stay busy and focus on the things that make me happy instead of what I “need” to do. And so today I feel lighter and a little freer, after a slight dip in mood early this morning.

I realize that I can focus on anything I want to and do what ever I want with it now. I don’t have to do the corporate America tango if I don’t want to. So that thought galvanizes my desire to start a business and make it a success. And I like that idea. A lot. There’s still a smidgen of resistance because I don’t know what to do or how to do it but I can learn. And I have time to take classes at the local junior colleges to pick up whatever missing pieces I need to make my business profitable. And I have the time to do it.

It takes a bit of mental adjustment after years of being a wage-slave but the change is coming slowly and it feels good. Yesterday I even picked up a good idea from my old friend that might just be the right thing to try. She’s going to send me the info and I’ll look into it.

Anyway it feels good to be reconnected to people my own age and background, it’ll help me to stay grounded and focused. We’ll see how the future goes.

Blessed be.

Hope for the future...I hope

2010-01-24T16:03:00.000-08:00

It looks like 2010 is going to be quite the transformational year for us all according to the astrologers. (Now don’t thumb your nose at them because they haven’t been wrong yet.) Given what’s been happening over the last couple of years I consider that a good thing…I hope.

Change and transformation can be very scary no matter how you look at it. I know in my own life I really want things to change. I want them to move out of stagnation into some kind of productive, creative, positive forward motion. I put the emphasis on positive because any time things change my scared child side fears the worst. I don’t know where that attitude came from but it’s always there in the background no matter how much I try to ignore it.

I can justify my attitude by saying that the economy is still in the toilet, and as far as I can see things haven’t shaken loose yet. The job market still stinks and I’m still trying desperately to figure out what to do next. I know what I want to happen right now but it doesn’t seem to be happening and no matter how hard I try I don’t seem to be able to force it.

I’m sure the universe has some plan for me, and us, but it hasn’t revealed itself to me yet. I wish it would hurry up and give me a clue because it would be easier to take the transformation if I knew what to expect…and, of course, that it would turn out all right in the end. Instead my scared child side sits around here dreaming up the most horrific things and I wish she’d shut up and just trust.

So I feed her chocolate and read her stories to keep her pacified until I can figure it all out. Sigh. That’s been a heck of a lot of chocolate. I hope I can get it together soon because the only one benefiting from this scenario is my dentist.

Well, here’s to transformation and change and the hope for a fabulous future.

Blessed be.

Change is slow

2010-01-22T10:03:00.000-08:00

It’s been seven long months of agonizing transformation and it’s still not over. It could have been easier if I hadn’t fought so hard to hang on to the past, but the past is what I knew and it worked for me. It may not have been perfect, nor what I really wanted to do, but it gave me what I needed for a secure life. Even though it didn’t give me what I needed deep down in my soul.

Yesterday, however, something shifted deep inside and I’m a little more accepting of my situation. I say a little more because I still don’t know what’s ahead for me and I’m still afraid but I'm beginning to feel that things will work out for the best. Somehow. After all if I look back on my life so far I see that I’ve been pretty lucky. I realize that when I listen to myself and follow my intuition that I make some good choices. They may not be the perfect choices but they do work out eventually.

But now that’s not enough, I don’t want them to just work out. I want them to be perfect. In the past I’ve compromised my interests for responsibility and now I want to allow my interests to lead the way. I’m still resisting and dithering because I don’t have a direction in mind but I feel the path becoming clearer. Maybe it’s just that I’m slowly letting go of what I used to do to make way for whatever is to come and I guess for now that’s enough.

Stay tuned for the next steps…thanks for listening.

I can't take it any more

2010-01-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

You know, everyone tells you to just believe in yourself, stay positive, do affirmations and everything will work out. Everything will be good. Well…BS on that one.

How can you stay positive, and the rest of the self help clap trap, when no matter what you try to do it doesn’t work? When you keep applying for jobs you know you can do and no one wants you? You’re over qualified, you’re under qualified, you don’t have the right something or other that doesn’t matter in the long run.

So, because you're desperate and frustrated and at the end of your rope, you try to be proactive and consider alternatives.

You do all the career and self assessments that the so-called experts tell you to do. Do what you love, and all that bull, they tell you. But then you find out that what you love just adds you to the millions of other people who love doing it to?

What do you do when for you’re whole life you’ve put aside the things that you really love and are good at for the sake of a JOB. For the sake of making a living, and then smack…suddenly you’re out of the running and all the great potential that you did have has languished and everyone else has passed you by.

You go search the internet for people who have your skills and…yup, there they are. And boy are they. Their portfolios are amazing, fantastic, awe inspiring, and you know damn well that even though you know you could do it too you just don’t have the samples to prove that you can. And don’t tell me to create them. I have tried. And it didn’t amount to a hill of beans.

And now at the turning point in my life I don’t know what to do. Do I keep beating my head against that barrier that won’t let my in any longer? Do I try to start my own business? That sounds good doesn’t it? But what kind of business? And how do I bring in money while I’m building it? I’ve never really run my own business, even though I’d love to. But how can you stay motivated when you have no money to keep you going and you have no one around you to cheer you on and back you up? What are you supposed to do? Who do you turn to?

Can you tell me? Because I really, really need to know.

How Dare You Call Me Old!

2010-01-04T13:53:00.000-08:00

I don’t know about you but I am incensed by the way Seniors are viewed in our society. How dare they!

We are not the inept bumbling outmoded fools that we are portrayed in the media and in the minds of those under 50. We are not deaf, not stupid or slow witted, not lazy and unable to take care of ourselves.

If you ask someone in their 80’s how they feel they’ll tell you that they still feel like they did when they were 40. Now think about that for a minute. Inside their minds are still active, alert and curious. Outside, well that is different because age does take its physical toll not that the person is pleased about it. No one wants to be hampered by aches and pains.

I know for a fact that older people are not useless or incapable of keeping up with what’s going on. The only difference between the under 50 and over 50 groups are the fact that the older people have been around enough to have seen it all before and know the bottom line. They aren’t as easily swayed by the advertisers who are couching their ads in the latest “life style” scenarios. They’ve seen too many life style changes to buy into it any more.

The media has decided that Seniors are no longer their “target market” and choose to ignore their existence. Unless, of course, the product is made for "older" people, like: drugs, wheel chairs, retirement homes, life insurance, and let’s not forget the biggie…funeral homes. How insulting. These are not things that we focus on. These are things that the marketers think we want…because they are usually 30 somethings and have no clue.

Well guess what, Seniors are changing at least the Boomers are. We were never like our parents and we aren’t now. We are active, involved, and healthier and we aren’t going to let prejudice and ignorance get in our way of a full satisfying life. We may have found ourselves ostracized from the corporate world because of those same prejudices but we are taking our hard won skills and putting them to use for ourselves. We’re tired of playing the games of corporate America using our hard work to make someone else rich. We are taking our power back and doing it for ourselves.

With a healthy life style, eating right and exercise, and a group of good friends, not to mention keeping focused on something we truly love doing, we can still kick some butt.

So don’t stereotype us. We’ll do to the retirement years what we did to the sixties.

Here’s to Silver Power.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

Everything I’ve been reading and hearing the last few days is all about clarity and positivity so I think that is the theme for 2010.

Last year lacked those qualities in spades with the bad economy, the masses of people losing their jobs and their direction, the constant borage of depressing news, and the fact that nothing seemed to be improving. It was tough if not impossible to stay positive and to gain any kind of perspective and clarity about what to do next. Because quite frankly a lot of us weren’t sure there was going to a next. At least not the next we were accustomed to.

The advice I’m hearing is to get clear about what you want for yourself this year. But don’t get overwhelmed just set small goals that will get you moving in the right direction. Baby steps they’re calling it. Little monthly goals that are attainable and adjustable if need be. They’re saying that it’s easier to stay positive when you see yourself making progress even in increments.

And it sounds good to me. So I’ll try to do what I can to live up to that theme. I know it’s going to be hard but the alternative is far worse. I know, I’ve already experienced it for the last six months. And I’ve had enough. Whatever happens is totally up to me. This is my life and I have to make it what I want it to be. It’s going to be a challenge but it’s time I stopped being afraid and looking for help outside myself. Because it’s not out there. It’s in here.

So I invite you all to do the same. Hang in there and rememeber to reach out to the people who love you when you need a hug because they probably need one too.

Blessed be.

I'm not alone on this path

2009-12-30T18:12:00.000-08:00

I just found a ray of inspiration on this misty path that I'm currently on. Hooray!

I just found a new web site called The Dreaming Café and it’s an interesting read. The woman who owns the site is an entrepreneur who just took the leap from the corporate grind to starting her own business. And she’s going through the same fears and anxieties that I’ve been experiencing.

I realize that knowing someone else is going through what I’m going through doesn’t change anything but it’s good to know that someone somewhere understands my pain. Because god knows I sometimes think my friends and family don’t.

What is it about people’s empathy or lack there of? Those who have managed to avoid job loss or have gotten re-employed seem to have selective understanding or memory. And they prefer not to have to think about the fear and pain being unemployed brings. But those of us who are in the middle of it know all to well. We don’t want sympathy what we need is support and understanding.

I also subscribe to a newsletter called Joyfully Jobless by Barbara Winter. She wrote the book called Making a Living Without a Job. It’s a great read and it’s inspiring. I highly recommend it.

I only wish I had these people at my side every day to help me get through these rough spots. It’s hard going it alone.

But there’s always tomorrow and the hope for a better day ahead. Let’s hope.

Happy 2010. Keep dreaming.

Hope for a better future

2009-12-29T18:38:00.000-08:00

Another year has come and gone and I'm thinking about what I've done with it. And I'm sad to say that I'm still not where or who I want to be.

Take a moment and look at your own life right now. What do you see? Are you happy?

Do you believe that you are meant to be someone other than who you’ve turned yourself into? Does your life feel like it’s on hold waiting for something to happen that will turn you into that other person? Do you feel that you don’t fit in with the rest of the world and it’s expectations? Do you feel like you’re living on the outside looking in at the rest of the world but you don’t want to be where they are, but where you want to be hasn’t shown itself to you yet?

Well, that’s me as well. I’ve felt that way my whole life and I beginning to think that I’ll never get the chance to become who I was meant to be.

When I was younger I could hold on to the hope that someday…but that was when I still had the time to hope. But now that I’m not young any more that hope is fading fast. In my soul I still feel it but reality is telling me something else. Sometimes I feel like I’m just right on the verge of becoming the authentic me and then poof it’s gone. I wish I could tell you where it comes from and where it goes, but I can’t. All I know is that there is a deep seated yearning that never quite dies. It just sits below the surface taunting me, calling me, filling me with the feeling that it’s possible and then it runs away.

Is it just me being maudlin? Mourning the passing of time? Maybe.

But here I sit with that feeling nudging it’s way back into my heart again and I want it so bad. But then it makes sense given the fact that the full moon is two days away and this one is on New Years eve. How apropos. Plus it’s a Blue Moon at that. So I intend to do a ceremony that night to celebrate the hope for a better future. Things are changing for me whether I like it or not and I don’t seem to have any control over it. I have no idea what direction that change is heading but I want it. I want that change to be so wonderful and fulfilling that I’ll wonder what took me so long to get there. I want to finally become the person that I’ve always wanted to be.

I want to love my life. I want to love me and the things that I’m doing. I want to be fully engaged, full of joyful creativity, full of hope and satisfaction, full of confidence knowing that what I’m doing is making my life secure and stable and happy for the first time and for ever. This is what I want for myself going into the future.

I want to look forward to the rest of my life. I want to live it as the authentic me doing what's best for me. To finally become the person that I was always meant to be.

I'm sending out the hope that you can all do the same.

Happy new year and a brighter tomorrow.

It's almost 2010 - AWK!

2009-12-28T14:40:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that 2009 is almost over. Thank the stars for that! Because with all said and done this year has not been a good one for me. What with the poor economy, the layoffs, the financial and real estate debacles, etc., etc., and not to mention the constant depressing news. I have lost my footing and I can’t seem to get it back.

I know I’m not in this alone but it sure feels like it because my family and friends seem to be doing well enough. If not well then at least they are holding their own. My sister and a couple of friends have gotten new jobs, another friend just moved into a new home. And to them I say congratulations. As for me well I’m still trying to make smart contingency plans for the future but for whatever reason I’m not having any luck moving forward.

I have a lot of ideas but I don’t know quite how to go about making them a reality. I’ve got lots of books on how to go about doing whatever I’ve been thinking about and there’s always information on line but because they’re things I haven’t done before I’m afraid I won’t be able to make them work. Do I do freelance writing? Do I sell my custom jewelry online? Do I try to blog professionally? Do I hope that people find my company web site and want me to do work for them? Well…Yes. To all of them. Yes. I’d like that a lot. And I’m determined to have a revised and edited manuscript by the end of next year. The one thing that I count as a success for this year is the fact that I now have my first completed first draft of my novel.

I’ve vowed to make 2010 a banner year for me. I don’t know how yet but I’m putting the energy into my conviction to make it happen. What I need now is a viable direction and guidance. Oh and more importantly…to get out of my own way. To stop over thinking everything and just give it a go.

So here’s hoping that 2010 is a much better year.

Happy Holidays?

2009-12-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

Well it’s almost the big day and then Santa can relax knowing he did a job well done. Bravo!

I know I didn’t. I’ve let my fears and confusions keep me from staying the course. With the economy still in the toilet and the corporations still doing the same crap that got us into this mess as if everything is just ducky, and let’s not forget the health care debacle. How can I possibly have hope for the future? Quite frankly I’m scared and no amount of self –talk is helping. I know that no one is going to help me but me. You can say I’m being negative, but I look at it as realistic.

Anyway, my goal for next year is to try to figure it out with less frustrations and tears and try to stay positive. What’s yours?

Let’s hope that 2010 is a better year for us all and the people in power finally realize that they need to pay attention to our needs instead of their own. Well we can wish can’t we?

Blessed be.

Returning to my path

2009-10-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

I closed the book with a sigh of pleasure. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it most. The spell had worked I felt Magick coming back into my life.

You see at the last New Moon I did a ritual asking the Goddess to bring magick back into my life and renew the focus and energy that I had ten years earlier when I seriously dedicated myself to the craft.

And then last week I got the overwhelming urge to reread Book of Shadows by Phyllis Currott, the very book that I had found back then in answer to another ritual asking for a guide. It had meant so much to me then. I identified with her longing and wanted to follow her journey into the sisterhood of the Goddess. But this time I found much more in the dog-eared pages and underlined paragraphs, the messages were more poignant and touched me deeper than they had before.

This time as I finished the last page and sat feeling the power and inspiration flowing through me, I realized something. This time I connected to the end of her journey instead of the beginning as I had ten years ago. Then we were both just beginning our journey along the path to the Goddess and I felt her wonder, excitement, and total devotion to a new path that felt deeper and richer than anything either of us had ever experienced before. But whereas she stayed on her path and grew to become a high priestess and a writer and lecturer, I kept drifting away from mine.

There were other similarities as well. At the beginning of her story she was a lawyer just starting her career and I was starting a new career as a technical writer. We were both caught up in the glamour and expectations of a fabulous future in our chosen fields. Her story and mine seemed to parallel. The difference was that she had found a coven to study with and I had not. Which may have been one of the reasons for her success and my lose.

Now on finishing this reading I realized how far afield our two stories had moved. She had made a success of both her career and her spirituality and I in my mind had made a success of neither. She and I both came to a crossroads in our careers and she had made a bold choice that moved her out of hell and forward into greater success. Whereas I was at the crossroads now and in need of a bold choice of my own. Of course her story had the benefit of twenty years of hindsight and mine was right here and right now. But I could understand and indentify with her fear, pain, and confusion.

Just like her story, the work environment that I choose drained the spirit and joy from my life and left me feeling empty and desperate to belong. I wanted to change my life and fill it back up with love and fulfillment but I had no idea how to do that and where to go next. I hated how it made me feel about myself and that I had to force myself to be interested in the work I had once fought for. It was good for the paying the bills if for nothing else.

What I envied about her story was that she had found a circle of sisters that she could count on to help her through her problems. To stand beside her and patiently listen and understand and give her the support she needed to get through. I don’t. I wish I did. Having that sisterhood might help me to stay on my path with conviction and love.

I followed her journey to initiation wishing that I could find a group to join that I could learn from and grow in wisdom and skills with. And with that hope I checked out local groups that were listed on the Witches Voice web site looking for a good fit for me. There were lots of them but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to contact any of them. I don’t know why. Was it fear? But of what I didn’t know. Commitment maybe. I found it easier to go to one of the few remaining bookstores in the area to feel connected, if only for a moment. Those stores that had survived had changed in the last ten years as well. The magick had gone out of them just like my life. The bottom line taking over for soul and making them feel as empty and undirected as I felt.

But on reflection, maybe commitment is the real problem here. Maybe I’m afraid to commit to anything anymore. At this point in my life was there anything worth committing to? I had spent the first part of my life striving for a career to make me feel successful and secure but no matter how hard I worked it never worked out as I’d hoped. But in spite of that I kept striving and when one door closed I opened another and went on. Unfortunately those doors only lead to more doors that took me no where near where I wanted to be. Now in my mid sixties I’m tired of fighting and starting over. I don’t trust that anything will work out for me. I can’t seem to retrieve the hope and keep my dreams afloat anymore.

And that is why I called upon the Goddess to bring Magick back into my life. To help me heal my soul and guide me safely back to my path. To help me fill my life with love, hope, joy, and fulfillment. To finally make my life the one that I’ve been looking for all these years. And it’s amazing that the Goddess pointed me back to the beginning of my journey to her ten years ago. Maybe she’s giving me a chance to start over again but this time to do it right. To make my life mine, for me, and for my soul.

Fall is in the air

2009-09-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

Two days before the end of September and fall is in the air. Heavy winds shake the branches of the trees outside my window dislodging the already turning leaves. Sunlight, in a blue sky dotted with wispy clouds, casts long shadows across the yard beyond the hedge. The temperature began slipping a few degrees at a time over the last week and even though it still resembles summer, the temperature isn’t supposed to climb much above the mid 60’s for the day.

But I'm not ready for the change yet, and no one that I've heard talk about it seemes ready either. The summer has been unusually warm and dry this year and we have become spoiled. Now we will have to become accustomed to the gray rainy days all over again. Fall is my favorite time of year and October my favorite month and I usually look forward to it with anticipation, but this year feels different. It feels like it should be a few more months off instead of a few more days.

My summer slipped by almost unnoticed and unappreciated, as I’m sure it did for most people this year. With the economy still depressed, people still out of work, and the future as uncertain as ever I don’t think anyone is enjoying their lives like they would like. I know I'm not. I spent my time trying to figure out what to do next, what I could do to make my future more secure and stable. I failed. I came up with ideas, lots of ideas, but none of them seemed like truly viable options. My limited perspective no doubt.

The sun seems to give me energy and a sense of hope which helped get me through the long months of fear, frustration, and blind striving. But now the clouds and rain are returning and I don’t know how I am going to adjust and keep myself motivated and positive. Not that I had been before but now it will be harder.

As I sit here at my computer, the sunlight beckons me to abandon my solitude and journey out to capture the waning warmth and fleeting sense of childhood revisited. When I was a child the summer months seemed to go on forever, now it’s gone in the blink of an eye and I couldn’t tell you what I did or accomplished during any part of it. How sad when your life drifts by unnoticed and uncelebrated. I have to change that.

This life that we have on this plane of existence is so very short and feels so out of our control most of the time. Our purpose and our comings and goings seem to be dictated by forces outside of ourselves. But that’s because we allow it to happen. We allow ourselves to be manipulated and cajoled into line for someone else’s use. It’s up to us to step out of line and find our own path. A path that fulfills us, inspires us, and makes our lives as rich and rewarding as it was meant to be. It takes leaving the fear behind, believing that we deserve better, taking back that optimism that we had as children, taking back the belief that we can be anything we want.

We can be. We should be. I WILL BE.

New world ahead?

2009-09-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

I sat trying to work at my computer today when a song came on the music channel that stopped me in my tracks. The title of the song had something to do with the return of the Mayans in 2012. It wasn’t the title so much as the haunting almost warrior feel to the music. It took me to another space and I suddenly felt that things are definitely going to change for us all. That somehow all of this silly obsession with technology, and aggression, and the old ways were going to be gone and we would be starting new. I was relieved, and with a silent sigh I let my concerns drift away. But underneath the feeling of peace and release there was a tinge of fear. But the fear wasn’t an intimidating factor and I let it go too, I honestly didn’t care. You see, I want things to change. I want the drive to oblivion, the insistent chaos, and the push of the material world to go away. I’m tired of pretending to care about any of it. I’m tired of trying to be something I’m not. I don’t care about the latest software and hardware release. I don’t care about the latest and greatest technical doodad that some huge corporation is trying to foist upon us as essential to our survival. Because it isn’t true. None of it.

We don’t need bigger fancier cars and houses. We don’t need the latest upgrade to whatever software or computer or toy is the flavor of the week…or day in this society. What we need is peace and quiet. What we need is time to really take care of ourselves. To find what’s really valuable and useful and true for us all. To finally bring us together instead of drive us apart.

It’s hard for me to focus on my work right now because I know it doesn’t really matter in the long run. No one will care in six months. It’ll all have changed or been scraped to make room for the next big thing. I just don’t care anymore. The pointless endless treadmill is not what’s important, not any more.

What really makes me happy? What is it that stirs my blood and sets my imagination and creativity to soaring? What makes me feel like my life is really worth living? Sitting here listening to the soft strains of another beautiful melody I feel my heart melt, my eyes open to the beauty outside my window, and my mind clear and lift to higher thoughts and feelings. That’s the feeling I want for myself everyday. Calm, content, peaceful, and secure in the knowledge that I will be cared for and protected. No hate, no pain, no stress, no fear, no confusion.

The beauty of it makes we weep with joy. I wish everyone could feel this way if only for 5 minutes a day. Then, I believe, that if they did our world would change for the better and we would have what we all really want from life.

Peace and pure love embrace us all.

new opinion blog

2009-08-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

I have a new opinion blog going if you'd care to read it. But be prepared, it's blunt, it's opinionated, but I think it's right on. If you're sensitive to someone else's no holds bared, not politically correct, honest opinion...then don't go there.

I tells it like I sees it. It's called "It's my opinion and you're welcome to it." I just post articles about things that I hear, or see that get my dander up. I wish someone who had the power to actually change things for the better could read it, but I doubt they will. But if anything I say resonates with you, then maybe I've done my job.

Happy reading!

Awww, it’s split focus time again.

2009-08-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

Gad I hate this. I’m trying to make smart contingency plans in case I can’t continue to do technical writing but trying to be practical and proactive isn’t working. It’s scaring me, confusing me, and scattering my focus and energies. What I need to do is just pick one direction and stick with it come what may, but damn that’s hard for me. But then trying to ascertain the right direction for the future sure the hell hasn’t done me much good in the past.

People keep saying to me “you’re too scattered in your interests”, “you need to just decide one way or the other”. Well yes but, I have a wide scope of interests that I’d love to pull together into one focus. But how?

I saw a show on PBS last night about a woman scientist at the UW who is designing realistic prosthetics for people. Her story was amazing, inspiring, and oh so depressing to me. She seems to have it all. She’s maintained her personal integrity, is smart and successful and is doing something she loves and is also being creative, and she has a loving family. Not to mention a tenured position at the UW, which means good salary and recognition for excellence.

That is what I’ve always wanted for myself but haven’t found. I love the fact that she can combine her creative skills with her technical skills to do wonderful things to help people not just help corporations become richer. I guess when I look at it from the perspective of my current lack of committed focus it makes sense. She didn’t worry about finding a career that would make her a decent living, she just followed her passions and it led her to where she is now. But who would have thought that a woman bent on becoming a professional tennis player would end up a biomechanical engineer with a doctorate from MIT. But she didn’t worry about the direction of her life when she started out. She set a goal for herself, no matter how improbably it seemed to others, and she went for it hook, line, and sinker. She almost made it too, and would have if she hadn’t been seriously injured. But behind the scenes she had kept up with her math and science studies because she loved them too and the injury led her to decide to design prosthetics. Who would have imagined.

If that had been me I would never have dared pursue the tennis because “it wasn’t a proper career choice”, and in my school days math and science were considered men’s degrees because “women didn’t have the mental capabilities for it.” Can you imagine? And that was only 45 years ago. How lucky the girls are these days to have such choices. I am angry and envious. Women haven’t changed just societies thinking has but it doesn't help me much now.

How do I turn my life around at this point? How do you change directions when you really do have to be worried about paying the bills, and your “retirement” years (which are here already.) How do you finally become successful at this late date? I wish I could just brake free and let the universe lead me. I could use a good obvious road map for my life. Sigh! I wish I had a guide to help me find my way at last.

Here we go again

2009-08-17T17:26:00.000-07:00

Another frustrating Monday and I’m not any further along in my search than I was a month ago. If anything I’m feeling far worse. I’m confused, and getting angry and I don’t know where to turn for answers. I know I've said this all before but I can't help it, nothing ever seems to change for long.

I’ve spent my life trying to be successful, setting goals and striving to reach them. Isn't that what we're told to do? Follow your passions, follow your dreams. Do what you love and the money will follow. Well bull shit. That only works if you happen to have the right passions at the right time, that someone else can exploit.

What I’ve wanted most is a career that satisfies and motivates me. Something that I can eat, breath, and sleep and makes me feel like I felt when I was in college, totally engaged. I’ve worked hard to find a direction that works for my talents and skills, but no amount of education, or expert advice has helped. I am creative but I’m also practical. I try to anticipate the future and move in that direction. But it seems that I’ve always had interests that were ahead of the curve but somehow I ended up behind when I finally was ready to make the move. I always turned to school to provide me with the skills that I thought I needed to move into a career that I thought would work. I worked hard, got superior grades, but when I graduated I couldn’t get anyone to be interested in me, or if I did it turned out to be a dead end and not what I thought it would be.

Finally I thought I’d found it. Technical writing. It seemed to fit the bill. Technical and creative, detail oriented and research heavy. I would get to learn new things, investigate and clarify, then write about what I found. And I managed to do it for ten years but only as a contractor, I couldn’t manage to get a full time job. I worked steadily all that time and my managers gave good feedback to the agency, several departments actually hired me several times. I finally felt like I had a career. But it still wasn’t right.

I suppose if I could find a full time position I would finally feel like I had succeeded. But since I can’t seem to, I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. And now that the economy is in the toilet and Microsoft is getting flakier, I’m really scared. I don’t want to go through this turmoil anymore. I want to be secure, I want to know that I’m appreciated and secure…huh…what a stupid thing to say. Who is really secure and appreciated any more? If that was ever the case.

I’m angry at what the greedy politicians, financial institutions, and corporations have done to this country. I’m angry because they continue to get away with whatever they want at our expense. Oh it may look like things change, but they don’t. They just change their rhetoric and lie to us and try to manipulate us in other ways. And it’s even easier with the Internet because they can tell us what they want by pretending to be anyone they want, if you don’t believe me check out the games the anti-health reform people are playing. Read that one as insurance companies. But that's another topic entirely.

I’m trying to be proactive and find ways to move forward but it doesn’t seem to be working. I hate this. I hate the fact that days and weeks go by with no progress and the longer it takes the worse I feel. I don’t know what to do anymore. I sit here feeling the four walls closing in and I feel hopeless. And watching the “successful overachievers” on the prime time TV shows doesn’t help my opinion of my own situation. They never show reality, and I mean REAL reality. They never show people going through what I’m going through because they wouldn’t be able to wrap it up successfully in 60 minutes. It’s all bull shit.

Sorry folks but we’re on our own here and it’s up to us to find our own way through. But then if we were capable of that we wouldn’t be where we are now, now would we? I know I wouldn’t. But then only those who have been forced to feel the sting of the economic situation will recognize and admit to anything I've said here. There are those who are secure, fat, dumb, and self-satisfied with where they are. These people will refuse to see what's going on because it doesn't effect them and, therefore, to them it isn't happening. I only hope that these same people will someday have to wake up to reality, but they won't until they're forced into it.

Enough for now. I hope tomorrow is better.

Another emotional shift

2009-08-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

Today has been a roller coaster ride. On the up side, my sister and I are moving forward positively on our endevor and I'm thrilled. If it works. I finished our logo, tag, and business cards and they look great. But those are easy for me. Then I turned my attention back to the creative services business that I'm trying to start. But that's when I started to slip down. And here's what's going on now.

Last night was a full moon and I did a modified ceremony that consisted of lighting some goal specific candles and meditating. I asked for guidance and information that would move me forward on my path. After sitting quietly for a while my mind finally slid unbidden to web site design. It felt right and I grabbed a note pad and pencil and jotted down the information as it came to me. And today I tentatively followed through.

Part of what I was to do was research web sites that I find attractive and see how they do it. This step is determining what my style is using the current trends. I took screen shots so I can study them at my leisure. Another part of what I was to do was find out what part of the web development process I was weak in and find out what to review. But then I already knew what that was…coding. It’s been a while since I spent any time doing a lot of that. Which means to start using C# and/or Java, and of course CSS again. I’m familiar with them but I haven’t had a need to use them lately so I've fallen behind.

That’s the thing that bothers me, I keep being pulled away to other things. Like technical writing. Which is what I’ve been doing for the last 10 years. It’s not what I love doing the best but it’s where my current experience lies. What I really love is designing things and I have a good eye but I can’t seem to get the agencies to see that. I need samples that compete with the people out there at the top of the game. But I don’t have that, at least not for the huge corporations to take notice. Which is were the money is…I think. But maybe I’m short sighted. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I’m also pulled in several directions when it comes to the tools. I contract at Microsoft and therefore I’m expected to use and know their products, but I don’t like their products. I like Adobe’s products, which are the industry standards. And while I use them for myself, I don’t use them at work. And while I’m on a contract my attention has been fully focused on Microsoft. And while I have the Microsoft exposure and experience, I don’t have the kind of experience they want when they hire creative’s. Which is what I am but not to their standards and not in their mind. It’s a catch 22 and I’m stuck in the middle.

So here I sit trying to fill in the gaps feeling that it’s time wasted. You see no matter how hard I try to get in where I know I really belong, I can’t brake through the barrier. I’ve got the background and training I just don’t have the samples. I’m trying to create them but I keep reminding myself that it’ll never pay off…but I really want it to. I really do. If I can just keep from hitting an emotional block I might be able to move forward. But then again will it really matter at my age. You see agism is alive and well out there in corporation land.

I'm sorry I'm slipping deeper and it's time to stop depressing you and get it together...or try.

WooHoo

2009-07-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

I am so psyched. My sister and I finally had a meeting of the minds about a business together. For years we’ve been sort of bantering the idea around but nothing seemed to work for the both of us, but finally a break through. I can’t wait to sit down with her face to face and actually start working on it. WooHoo. It just feels right, flexible, creative, inspiring, and totally doable. YAH!!!!

More later as we progress.

Black Friday in my mind

2009-07-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what way to turn right now. It’s not that I'm really unhappy about not getting the contract job but the feedback was a blow to my self esteem. It’s taken three years of good contracts with accepting people to make me finally feel good about my abilities and wam I'm right back where I was back then doubting myself again. I mean why is it so difficult for people to understand that you can be creative/artistic and technical, and do them both very well? They all require an ability to understand subtleties, see relationships, and have an eye for details. But for some reason people who consider themselves technical don’t understand that. And I’m sick of trying to make them see. And on the reverse side the creative’s don’t seem to be able to see it either.

I’m tired of this. My whole life has been aimed at trying to be practical at the expense of my creativity. I never had anyone in my life I could turn to for help and solid advice. And turning to the “experts” that you paid weren’t useful either. They weren’t able to see how to combine the two abilities either. Now, however, the younger people have seen a change in this attitude. High tech has embraced the creative person…as long as you’re a 20 something. Someone my age has missed the boat. I have the old fashioned work ethic and work mind, all I know is the way things used to be done…ok here’s a perfect example of part of the problem. I start to answer a question and I get side tracked. It’s that creative side of my mind at work. And I did it just now while talking to a friend on the phone. He asked me a question which I thought I was answering and he pointed out that I wasn’t. I can’t seem to help myself. Am I trying to sidestep questions I can’t answer or am I veering to far afield? I wish I could get more pointed in my answers and then just shut up but I like to communicate. I like to get to know people and connect with them, but I guess it’s not required in the technology field. Which is sad, that’s why the employees are so unhappy.

Well it’s getting late, so I’m going to quit for now and go find something interesting for dinner. Although I’m not really hungry. Thanks for listening.

It's begun, but not really

2009-07-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I’ve started my company. Yup. I got the web site up and running. I’ve got the blog going. I’ve got the business cards, stationary, and return address labels done and printed. WooHoo…now what?

Now I have to find the customers. Groan!! That's the hard part, in case I haven’t said it all before. I have no clue what I’m doing. Oh, yah, I’ve got the books on how to start the business, several businesses in fact. I’ve got the books on how to market, sell, and promote too. But so what. The information just doesn’t do it for me. I don’t know what to do next. I’ve signed my web site up with Google and registered with Sologig, and…I have no idea.

I sit down at the computer at nine like a good dutiful employee and then hit the wall. I don’t have a map or a compass or anything to lead the way. I am LOST. And frustrated, and scared. I’m also angry. Why can’t I figure this out? Other people have. What is my big problem. Do I not have the imagination for it? I thought I did. I thought I had all kinds of imagination…and I do…but apparently it doesn’t extend to business marketing. Well, actually there’s no apparently about it I don’t. If I did I’d have been doing this years ago. Well truth be told I did but I had the same problem back then so I gave up. But I don’t want to do that this time. I really want to make a go of this.

So, I guess I just have to get over myself do more research and just try some things. Right? Right. The first thing is to figure out who I want to target. Yah, that’s easy. Can you hear the derisive snort here? But what choice do I have? None. So, I tell myself, just shut up and figure it out. You’re saying the same thing too huh? Well you’re right.

Thanks for listening. You’re the best.

A brighter day

2009-07-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

Well…I can’t believe that it’s the second of July already. The weather has been beautiful which matches my mood perfectly.

This is also the second day of my time-off. No this isn’t my hundred day brake, I hope. But I’m trying to use the time well.

Yesterday I sat down at my computer at 9 a.m. and finished up my new company web site…sort of. I’m still waiting to see if my contact form works. But it felt good to be focused and directed. This morning, however, I started slowly and almost stalled. I didn’t know what to do next. So after puttering around for a few hours I finally decided “what the hell, just go for it.” Then I went to GoDaddy.com and registered my new company name, and I actually got it. It must be fate. I also contacted my ISP, the one I’ve had for years for my e-mail, and free web site, and asked them to host my new company web site. They may be a little more expensive than some but I trust them. I emailed and then I called and gave the customer rep my info, now I’m waiting to hear back. So…I guess I’m on my way. But I’m not ready to get a tax number just yet, why bother with that until you really need to. It’ll be a while, I’m sure, before I get a client so I’ll worry about that then.

This afternoon, however, I walked down to the new tea shop just off Main Street here in beautiful downtown Bothell. It’s called the Three Cups of Tea and it’s terrific. Don't know why it's called that, but who cares. I highly recommend it. It’s cute and cozy and the food and tea are great. I loved it. I’m definitely going there again. I do get soooo tired of coffee. But when I have coffee I much prefer the cute independent shops to the huge chains. The coffee tasks better and the atmosphere is far superior. Just my opinion, of course.

Well, I guess the next step in the new company process is to get back to reading the how-to-start a company books that I’ve been hanging on to for so long. They all seem to give different information, good and scary, but it’s a yardstick and helping hand to guide me along my new path with as few ruts as possible. Stay tuned…

Monday blues

2009-06-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

Well my contract is coming to an end tomorrow and I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me is sad, mainly for the loss of income, and part of me is happy, because of the chance for something new.

But I gotta tell ya…I’m sick of this. I’ve been doing contracting for about ten years and I’m tired of it. Tired of all the interviewing, tired of starting over again, and again, and again, tired of getting to know people I like and then loosing them, and tired of feeling disposable. And feeling like I have no control over my own destiny. I want that control.

I’ve always wanted to be an expert in something, so totally wrapped up in it that I live, eat, and breath it. That’s how I was in college and I loved it. I felt like I had a purpose, a reason for being, goals and schedules, and now…nothing. I go to work in the morning and come home at night and get up the next morning to do it all over again. I can’t tell you what I did last week let alone last month, and each year just blends into the next with nothing to show for the time gone by. How it that a life?

Does it sound like I’m mad? Well I am…at myself for not believing in myself and not having the courage to tell the “experts” to go to hell and follow my dreams. What happened to all those dreams and the hope? What happened to all the years that I put in striving and fighting to become a part of some corporate grind that I didn’t really want in the first place? I busted my ass getting degree after degree, graduating with honors, excelling to even my self imposed standards. But did all that get me anywhere? NO! Not where I wanted to be. Not even close. Hell, I talk to people around here all the time that have been full time for years and years and I wonder what they have that I don’t. What made them employee material and I’m not? I get contracts over and over again but I couldn’t seem to be good enough for full time. And I resented the hell out of it…well not any more.

You’ll understand why if you read back through my last few posts. It’s all too obvious that even the full timers are easily disposable to management. Every time some CEO or board of directors SOB wants another new house or car or boat or trip, somebody gets laid off. They never lose a thing do they? It’s always the little slave. They lay people off and then jack up their own salaries or benies and call it fair. Yah, well I don’t think so.

Ok, this isn’t what I want to say today but it obviously was needed. But I’ll stop ranting for now. When Wednesday rolls around I’ll be getting up to a day filled with nothing but me. It’s going to be strange and disorienting but I’ve got to give myself goals and directions and a good swift kick in the butt to keep moving forward. Things are changing and I need to hang on and change with them.

More later…

TGIF!

2009-06-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

It’s the end of another work week.

The weather has turned sour just in time for the weekend. I don’t actually mind because this is the kind of weather that lends itself well to sitting inside with a cup of tea and a good book. Now that’s what I call a good time. I think I’ll take my laptop to a coffee shop Sunday and do a little work on my novel if I can find the time.

Sunday is Father’s Day and I am going to go visit my dad. I need to get him a card and a gift yet so I’ll do that tomorrow. What I’d like to get him is a new outfit because the one he wears now is not particularly attractive. So I thought perhaps a new dark navy sweat suit. But I’m not sure where to go to find what I need. You see, my dad is in a wheel chair and my sister pointed out that the pants must have an accessible fly. Hmmm…it really hadn’t occurred to me that that might be an issue. Don’t men’s pants all have fly’s? Apparently not, because she said she got him a sweat suit for Christmas and it didn’t have a fly. Huh, go figure. Plus it was too small. Sigh! He has gained soooo much weight since he’s been confined to the wheel chair. During all his surgeries he went from 185 to 116 within a year. But now he’s back up past his initial weight. It is just not good for him to be that heavy but you can’t tell my brother to stop feeding him so well when my brother is in as bad shape. I worry about his health too but there’s nothing I can do about it. His heart, his life, he’s a big boy and he knows what he needs to do.

So, I have just one week and two days left before this contract ends. Part of me is sad about it…the money aspect. And the other part of me is glad, because I’m ready for a new adventure. I hate these brakes in contracts but at least this isn’t the full 90 days requirement. This is just a short contract because the product has shipped and the group in is redesign mode. Plus all the layoffs and company belt tightening doesn’t help. But I have to believe that things will work out for the best. They have so far and even with the economy in the toilet there is still work that needs to be done and I’ve been around for so long that I can do almost anything and I’m adaptive. I’m trying not to dwell on the negative because that attitude won’t help a bit.

Well I guess I’ll run along now. Talk to you soon.

Whoa is me...today

2009-06-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

I don’t know whether it's because my contract was coming to an end in two weeks, or if it's just boredom setting in but I just couldn’t seem to concentrate on the little amount of work that I do have. I'm not alone in that attitude I know but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I’ve been thrashing around again to find a direction that will satisfy not only my need for financial security but fill my artistic soul as well. Why do the two have to be mutually exclusive? Of course, that doesn’t seem to be the case for some people but it sure the hell is for me. It’s not that I lack abilities. I have those in spades. Everyone who sees my work is stunned by how talented I am and wonder why I'm not doing it for a living. My question exactly. So, why is it that I can’t get a job doing what I am so obviously gifted at? And not to be snide but I’ve seen some people who are doing what I want to do and they aren’t half as good as I am. So how did they get in? I don’t understand it? It’s frustrating and it’s disheartening.

It’s a catch 22. To be really good at something you have to immerse yourself in it. Eat, breath, and sleep it. I know I've done it in college. But what if what you really love doesn’t pay the bills? Then what? Do you just give up your dreams and follow the herd into mental and emotional oblivion? I hate this. Oh sure our societies direction is opening up all kinds of opportunities that we never had before but the people who seem to take advantage of it are the ones who are only marginally qualified. Not true in all cases I admit.

And yes, I guess you could call it sour grapes. And yes if I really wanted it I would quit griping and do what I love in my spare time and let it lead me on it’s own. So why don’t I? I can’t tell you that. I honestly don’t know. Lazy? Depressed? Emotionally drained at the end of a long boring day? Maybe. And it's probably all of the above.

I just need to allow myself to pick a direction and go for it. The hard part is picking that direction. It’s hard when you have so many abilities and interests. It’s hard to choose because you fell like if you choose one than the others have got to be left behind. And who wants that? When you have a gift you want to use it. Right? And somehow incorporate all your gifts into one giant lucrative package. To be able to do any or all of them all the time.

So I guess I’ve just answered my own question. I have to start a business that allows me to do just that. Ok...I've said all this before haven't I? So enough said. Thanks for listening to my rantings. At least I haven’t dissolved into tears over this. At least not now. I'm sure that'll come later.

More later.

Idea filled Monday

2009-06-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

June 15, 2009

This past weekend was very pleasant . On Saturday I had a couple of my dear friends over for a pot luck dinner and a movie. It was great fun. I don’t have people over often but I do enjoy it when I do. I love my friends dearly and it’s good to see them when we can all get together.

Sunday was a bit of a let down after Saturday evening. The day felt like a non-day, bland, dull, the cloudy sky one shade lighter than the highway. I wasted away the morning doing…I don’t really remember what. Then I ran a couple of errands and spent the rest of the afternoon reading. It’s sounds peaceful, and it was, but by the time 5 o’clock rolled around I was bored, bored, bored. So I decided that a nice walk was in order. Now I live right near the Bothell UW campus and I love it there so I decided that’s where I was going to go. It was a fabulous idea. The campus was almost deserted and the temperature was comfortable, so I meandered along the winding forested paths, around the campus proper, and then out into the wet lands area that they are refurbishing. It is BEAUTIFUL there. I’ve been to the campus many times, but never over to the wet lands but I will definitely make it a point to go more often. And, of course, as always happens when I am surrounded by pristine nature, I find myself wanting to stay a part of it. I want to learn all about plants. Even though I know very little about them and I can’t say that I’ve ever been an avid gardener. But I love being out in nature and I think it would be the most refreshing, invigorating, peaceful, renewing way to live. I LOVE plants. I just wish I knew more about them. I mean look how happy Cisco Morris is when he’s on TV talking about what he loves. I’d love to feel the same way.

So because I also love school I started researching the UW when I got home. I’d love to work there and go take classes in horticulture or herbology. But, of course, the U doesn’t have classes in those things. Now Bastyr University does and I’d love to go…but like I’ve said before. EEEEgad, the prices. Is it really worth the money? Edmond Community College has classes in horticulture and they have them at night and on weekends, and even on-line. So I might just take a couple and see if it’s for me.

The reason I keep saying things like this is because I am soooo tired of the high tech world. It is boring. Oh the new products are interesting to learn about, but how many times can you write about yet another release of the same old software. Especially when it was never that interesting to begin with. I’m sorry techies but after you’ve been around the field for a few years you’ll know what I mean. I’ve been into computers since the 70’s. My god has it really been that long? My first computer was a Commodore 64. Yup! I’m that old. :-D And to tell the truth computers and the internet stopped being interesting in the late 90’s when corporate America grabbed hold and turned it into a profit making machine. Sigh! I hate corporate America. It’s truly sick. Their values are soooo skewed.

Anyway this is turning into a long ramble so I’ll go now and research some ideas that writing this has brought to mind.

Talk to you soon.

Another anxious day

2009-06-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

My contract is once again drawing to a close and I am getting my usual feelings of disenchantment with the norm and searching for something new, different, and more satisfying. While still making a decent income, of course. I’ve been doing this for 10 years and I still haven’t managed to find whatever it is I’m searching for. I’m sure you understand, or if you’re really lucky maybe you don’t.

I want to break out of my boxed in thinking and start a new life. One that is more in keeping with who I really am. More successful, more fulfilling, more involving and evolving. All nebulous concepts I know but that is the closest I seem to be able to get to solid picture of what I want.

Oh, I’ve gone to counselors to see what ideas they can give me but it never works. I don’t know if it’s the way I interact with them, or if they just can’t help. I’d love some insight from a clear disinterested party but I hate paying for sessions that are useless to me. Do I not hear what they’re telling me? Do I dominate the conversation and cloud it with my issues or reminiscences? Do I just want someone to listen to me? I wish I knew. But I’m getting the feeling that I want to go talk to someone again.

Do I want to move to a new home? I love my home (condo) I just wish I had a garden and a little more space. But I’ve got my home decorated perfectly for me. You probably wouldn’t want to live there but I love it. It’s me. It’s my sanctuary. It’s perfect. I wish I could pick it up and move it to a lot and add a room or two. You know how that goes. And another reason to keep it...it's almost paid for.

The one thing I do know is that I want a different job. Well, being a contractor that one isn’t hard to do. If I can find another contract that is. In this economy…well, who knows. But I do know that I’m really happy when I’m working with Photoshop and creating art of some sort or other. It’s really what I’ve always wanted to do. I have the skills I just need to have the work. Maybe I can work harder at getting something from Filter Talent. I can try to start my own business, of course, Call it a creative services business. I could write, do graphics, web design, content design. That would be a nice mix. It would be easy to start. I have everything I need, I just don’t know how to market myself. I have books. Oh, do I have books. On everything. I just have to use them.

So maybe the fact that this contract is ending isn’t such a bad thing after all. I’ve enjoyed what I’ve done here. I’ve enjoyed the people. I did not enjoy having my pay cut 10%. Especially since I had taken a job that was below my usual skill and pay level to begin with. The problem is the next one is supposed to be a 15% cut and I will not go for that. If that’s the case I am only going to go for jobs at my original level.

So I guess I do need to start that business after all, because this contracting thing is getting old. There has got to be a better way to live. I thought slavery went out years ago. But apparently not.

More later...

Moody Tuesday

2009-06-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

I’m afraid it’s a rather down day today. I just got email from my sister and she’s feeling the same way. It’s the way the planets are aligned right now. Check out my friend Pam the astrologer’s web site, I’ve got it linked. She’s amazing and what she says is soooo right on.

Anyway, I was off yesterday and while I was just sitting there I got to feeling very disconnected and lost. I get that way when contracts come to an end. I hate the feeling of not knowing if I’m going to get another one or when. You’d think I’d be comfortable with the process by now after 10 years, but I’m not. I’m one of those people who needs goals and a strong direction to keep me going. It used to be school (I have have 5 degrees) but I don’t have that to fall back on any more. Oh, I still take the occasional class and I’ve thought about going back for an advanced degree but I can’t justify the cost. School is outrageously expensive any more and there’s no excuse for it. Ok, whoa, I won’t get on that soap box right now. I’ve said that all before.

I think I mentioned that I want to start a business. Well I did start working on a plan over the weekend. It would be easier and more fun with a partner but right now it’s a one woman job.

This is going to be short. Good, I hear you saying.

I’ll talk to you later.

2009-06-05T09:32:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday!

Well, believe it or not I had an idea yesterday that might just work. Yup, no kidding.

You see, I got to wondering why I shied away from other peoples suggestions about what I could do for a home based business. Now to be honest, their ideas were the same ones that I’d had but they didn’t seem really viable. Because after all you start a business to make money…right? And therefore you have to keep in mind the return on your investment of time and energy. Unfortunately, the return/investment ratio for making jewelry or custom clothing was not good. To much time with too little return. Those ideas could be a side venture but not the main source of my hoped for income. I also thought about web design, which I also love to do, but…web designers seem to be a dime a dozen, good and bad. I could be wrong, of course, because I’ve seen some people who manage to make a thriving business out of a hobby. But could I?

So, I started thinking about what I knew how to do that I could use to start a business without any ramp up…well duh…I’m a technical writer and illustrator. I’ve been doing it for years and I’m pretty confident that I could do it as a home based business for small companies that don’t have a documentation team. I already have everything I need, including a portfolio. Now I must admit that the portfolio is on a free site that my ISP gives me and it’s small (only 10-15MG), so I’d have to revamp it, expand it, and turn it into a business site. But I can do that. And a friend that I work with offered to critique it and give me suggestions for making it even better. I, of course, will jump at the chance. The only skill that I lack (and it’s an important one) is marketing. I’m not a natural marketer. Oh, I’ve taken classes and I’ve read books but it’s not something that comes easily to me. And until I could get rolling and could afford to hire someone to do it, I’m the guy. And that part scares me. Which is probably why I haven’t ventured into this arena before now. Can it really be that hard?

So, what do you think? It’ll be slow at first and hopefully it’ll serve to supplement my income during my dreaded hundred day break in service. And maybe if it gets off the ground it could support me through my “retirement” years. Retirement. Yah that’s rich. No such thing kiddo! Not any more and not for me. I think my dad’s generation were the last ones to benefit from that pipe dream. Because the greedy corporations have certainly destroyed that one. Oops…sorry. I didn’t mean to digress into a soap box tantrum.

Oh and I’m sooo glad that the weather has cooled down. My ideal temperature is in the mid 70’s, when it gets up above the mid 80’s I wilt.

More later…

A not so chipper day

2009-06-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

I’m a little depressed today. I don’t know if it’s just the move or the fact that at the end of this month my contract is up. Probably the latter. Plus the fact that it is still a little slow around here. I do have work to do but they’re either in someone else’s hands currently, or waiting for additional information from someone who’s way too busy to concentrate on my document at the moment. No slam on him, he’s very responsive and helpful. It’s just that he’s the only one left in his department since the lay offs and he’s trying to do it all himself. Plus the move hasn’t helped him either because he’s responsible for moving all his departments equipment. Oh well…

I keep reminding myself that there’s nothing I can do about any of this. I have no control over the situation, only over my reaction to it. So basically, suck it up and just keep moving ahead. And trying to remember the old adage “you get what you focus on.” Which is sooo true. I know that the universal energies are leading me where I’m supposed to go if I just trust and not try to sabotage myself with worry.

The problem is that when we grew up we were told over and over again that you’ve got to have a long term plan. That to be successful you have to constantly be working toward that goal. But you know what, that gets exhausting. Especially when you see what’s happened to the world since then. The old rules don’t seem to work anymore. If they ever did. The people who make it big seem to be the biggest cheats, liars, and manipulators. Why is that? What does that say about our society anyway? I’m quite frankly disgusted with the whole thing. I sometimes think that elegance and refinement ended when the automobile came in. Think Hercule Poirot. It seems to be all down hill since then (with a few ups and further downs along the way).

Ok, enough of that train of thought. I don’t need to be any more depressed. And neither do you.

So enjoy the beautiful weather and I’ll talk to you later.

June 1st already

2009-06-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, well they moved us into our new location over the weekend. And here we are. It’s certainly different, although not bad. It’s a huge open warehouse-like building filled with cubicles. Most of which are empty, so we seem to be quite spread out. I think. Parking was sure confusing this morning. The lots aren’t readily apparent so it’s going to take a few days to get oriented. But the new complex is quite nice, even though there’s construction going on around us. Sigh! So when isn’t there.

I enjoyed my three day weekend. I puttered around, read a lot, worked on projects, and just enjoyed the beautiful weather.

I just realized that it’s June 1st already and that means that I have one more month till the end of this contract. Ugh! I really don’t like interviewing and having to start over again. Like I’ve said before, this is a good team and a good product and I’d like to stay but…I have no choice. Which is the bad part of being a contractor. The good part is that I’m not part of the political crap that goes on. I hate that part. I’m not political. I work hard, I’m adaptable, flexible, cooperative, and nice and if that’s not good enough then tough. That’s who I am and I can’t be anything else.

I don’t have much to say this morning except that I got my cubicle set up without incident and I’m up and running. Now all I need is some heavy duty work to do. I like being busy, it keeps me out of trouble. ;-)

Well that’s all for now…more later.

Packing up to move

2009-05-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

We’re all getting packed up to move tomorrow and there are boxes and moving paraphernalia all over the place. You can barely get through the halls. I never like moving because I’m afraid that my stuff won’t follow me to my new location. Plus the fact that I had my old desk set up just right and now I will have to configure it all over again. The last time that happened I had a sore neck for a week until I got it set up just right. And nothing is worse than a sore neck.

I do hope this move helps to jolt every thing back to normal. It has been just too strange and disconcerting around here since the lay offs. I feel so off balance because I don’t know where the product is heading and what that means for my contract. The work is very very slow right now. But since I am currently the only other writer on the team, I feel like I am needed. At least for a while. The other writer is the SDK writer, and I’m sure he’s more than capable of writing the other documents as well, that’s just not his focus. But if they don’t even have enough work to keep him busy, they sure won’t need me. Of course once the product team decides on a future direction and determines their needs then I’m sure there will be plenty of work but that could be quite some time from now and I know they won’t keep me around just in case they need me. I would love to stick around because I really like this product and the team but by the time they would need me again I’ll be long gone. It would be great to come back then but it’s not like they don’t have a lot of other people they could choose from. Including the woman (my immediate lead) who got laid off. If she doesn’t find another position before they ramp up again, it would make sense that they bring her back as a contractor if not an FTE again. But only time will tell.

So we have tomorrow off while they move our stuff to the new building. I don’t mind an extra day off, but like I say it sure hurts the pay check. I don’t know what I’m going to spend the time doing yet but I do have a lot of projects waiting for me at home. Two sewing projects, a jewelry piece that I’m designing, a painting that I’ve been slowly working on for several months, and of course my novel(s). So you see it’s not like I have nothing to do, but who know if I’ll actually work on any of them. It’s going to be so beautiful that it’s a shame to stay inside. Which probably means that I take my laptop out to my favorite coffee shop (Café Ladro) and work on my novel(s). But I may even go visit my sister again.

Well, talk to you soon.

Almost June

2009-05-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it's almost June, where is the time going? The last time I remember it was January. GAD!

So Memorial Day was great. I spent the day with my sister who lives a block off the beach in West Seattle. She has a lovely condo (think duplex) and she's lucky enough to have a garden area out front. She's redesigned it and added a large water fountain. I love it. She's just finishing remodeling her two upstairs bathrooms and they look fabulous. She does an amazing job. New cabinets, tiling, flooring, turning the toilet and sink, new lighting. She can do it all. And her friends are talking her into starting a little business doing the same thing for other people. She already has two clients. I’m so proud of her. As soon as she comes up with a company name, I’ll let you know.

As for me, well…my manager has returned from paternity leave. So welcome back! And now hopefully he’ll be able to get some answers on where we all go from here. But things are slowly getting back to normal, at least as normal as can be considering, around here. I only work three days this week given that yesterday was a holiday and Friday is a forced day off so they can move us to our new temporary building. We will all go from having offices to cubicles. I don’t mind because I’ve worked in cubicles before and other than being able to hear everything that goes on, it isn’t so bad.

I’m continuing to work on my novel…or should I say novels…I can’t seem to stay focused on one. The ideas just keep coming fast and furious, but that’s a good thing right? I just LOVE writing. I just have to figure out how to get from initial idea to full blown story line. That is my stumbling block. The reason is that when I start a novel I usually have no idea where it’s going. A character or a scene pops into my head unbidden and I follow dutifully for a while until I have to figure out what’s going on. That’s when I usually set it aside. I have sooooo many story starts and many of them are novel worthy. It’s the character’s that draw me in and keep me coming back to see what they’re up to. Maybe if I just keep plodding along I’ll find my method and finally be able to finish one. But then comes the hard part. The real work. The getting it edited and published part. And that scares the crap out of me. I have a good friend who has finished her novel (it’s great) and she’s already had it edited several times. Now she’s trying to get an agent and get it published. Sigh! I watch what she’s going through and I’m not sure I want to deal with the nonsense. But other people with less skill have been published so I don’t see why she can’t. I’ve even suggested to her that we start a little publishing company to help out. I have books on how to do that and it doesn’t sound that bad. I say naively.

Well, I guess I should get back to it. I’ll talk to you soon.

Still strange after all this time!

2009-05-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

It’s certainly strange times around here since the lay-offs. I keep waiting for someone to make a decision and tell us about it. But so far no one has. All I do know right now is that we are moving out of this building and temporarily into another. We got the news yesterday that our stuff will be moved on Friday the 29th, which means that we will have a forced day off. And since Memorial Day is Monday the 25th, I will only be working three days next week. Ok for me, not good for the paycheck.

I do hope things get back to normal after we move because this uncertainty is driving me nuts. I’m kinda, sorta working on a document right now but I need more information and no one is available to give it to me. The software that I’m supposed to be testing isn’t working like they say it should so I can’t go any further until I find out why. And I’ve been told that I’m supposed to help out on a document that was left up in the air when my team mate was laid off. The problem is that the woman who is running the project (I think) keeps sending me emails asking me (or someone) to help. And I keep sending replies saying that I will, all she has to do is set up the meeting and we can get started. This has happened three times now…in the last email she asked who is going to help out, like she had no idea. Sigh! I told her it was still me. I don’t know whether she isn’t reading the emails or whether she’s using it as an excuse for not moving forward. If she claims she doesn’t know who to ask, then she can shift the blame to someone else (in this case me) but I’m not taking the bait. I replied to all and said that “as I mentioned in my last email…” So she can’t get away with the ol’ I didn’t know routine. When my group lead gets back, he can deal with her.

More later…

Almost back to normal

2009-05-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

May 14, 2009 Thursday

Things have settled down around here. There are a lot more people still around then I’d thought but we’re spread out so it’s hard to tell. I’m slowly regaining my momentum but it will be awhile until I get back to the all out drive mode that I was in last month. Until we have a solid direction it’s hard to know what to do next. And being a contractor I have no control over what happens, I’m just lucky to still be here.

But, you know, this has nudged me out of my comfort zone. It’s the wake up call that I needed. I promised myself that this time I wouldn’t let this job rule my life and that I would start focusing more on starting some kind of business. I desperately want to do that but I don’t know what that would be. I have soooo many ideas, but how do you pick one when there are so many choices. I have a wide variety of interests, talents, and skills and it’s hard to narrow it down.

Starting a home based business is easy enough, I have the equipment and basic knowledge and it makes sense financially to start from there. But I’d love to have a brick-and-mortar store. I get energy from being around people, even though I love to work alone. I like the feeling of having somewhere to go to in the morning. It somehow makes the work seem “legitimate.” I know that sounds silly but working out of your house just feels like playtime. But then maybe that’s what a job should feel like. Who said that a job has to be a drudge? In my humble opinion, that’s when work gets sloppy and uninspired.

I’ve often thought that having an artists retreat (community) would be wonderful. You have a piece of property with cottages around a central square and you have a large communal building that houses all the equipment for all the artists work, whatever that maybe. People could either own their own homes and live there, or rent and stay for a period of time until the're ready to move on. The community could hold art fairs, shows, and maybe have a shop where they could sell their wares full time. Doesn’t that sound like fun.

Awwwh so many ideas, so little money.

Well dream on.
More later…

The start of a new week

2009-05-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

May 11, 2009 Monday

Well, this morning wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still strange but at least the atmosphere has lightened somewhat. The offices that once housed those that were laid off are empty and it’s very quiet around here but it wasn’t as barren as I expected it to be. The work load hasn't picked up yet, that comes tomorrow, so I’m trying to keep busy researching things of interest.

There isn't much to say today because I'm still taking it one step at a time. All I know is that I really hope this economy picks up because I can't take the emotions that swirl around everyone these days.

Scary day four

2009-05-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

May 8, 2009 Friday

Today was even quieter than the others this week. I closed my door because I didn’t want to feel the silence or hear the people taking their belongings down the hall for the last time. I’ll be glad when work picks up again. I’m going to leave early because I don’t feel right charging them for my time when I’m not busy. It’s just that I feel like I should at least be here in case. In case of what, I don’t know.

The goodbye emails have been flying since Wednesday and they’re just too hard to read. Some sound as if they already have plans to move ahead and some don’t. Contractor goodbyes are one thing but FTE, especially long time employees, are even worse.

I don’t see Monday as being any better but at least I’ll try to get back in the swing of things with what little I know of the projects. But at least it’s Friday and so the next two days are all mine to do with as I choose.

It’s been a very LONG day and even longer week.

Scary day three

2009-05-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

May 7, 2009 Thursday

Well, it’s day three of the week from hell. The people who got their pink slips are packing up and heading out. My lead is packed and her office is bare except for the boxes that are waiting to go. It’s nearly 10 and the place feels like a tomb.

The group lead is in and I’m assuming he’s in the planning meeting. They are apparently trying to figure out what’s next. I realized this morning that all the things that the FTEs were working on will now come to me. That is if the projects move forward, which many may not.

I wandered over to talk with the other contractor and in the middle of our conversation the group lead dropped by so we all sat down and got briefed. We are ok for now and by the end of June they’ll know more what lies ahead. Who knows maybe we will be extended but that remains to be seen. It all depends what happens with the product as a whole.

I feel a bit better knowing how the group lead feels and his calming influence has helped both of us balance ourselves more. So we will just take one step at a time, and for now I’m driving my own boat. Step up kid and take control of the wheel. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. Weigh anchor and shove off.

Scary day two

2009-05-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

May 6, 2009 Wednesday

“The day after” begins and it feels much like yesterday.

My lead just came in and we had a long chat. She seems to be handling the situation well, which I’m very glad to see. She’s more pissed than depressed and the more I think about it the more I think it’s the right attitude to have. She said that there didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for the people who got laid off, that some of the super stars were actually let go.

Oh and, I met the GM yesterday and I am not impressed. He just feels slimy and totally false beneath his big smile. You could just feel the insincerity coming off him in waves. There was a hardness in his eyes that the smile didn’t touch. I saw a flash when I made a comment about a GM I’d worked with who wouldn’t acknowledge people in the halls. He laughingly said “I do that” and I playfully hit him in the arm and said “no you don’t.” But he probably does…I didn’t know who he was then. But I’ve since learned a lot more after talking with her this morning. My impression is, apparently, right on the money. He is brand new to this group, and as it always happens, is probably trying to show how much money he can save the company. Why is it that THEY never lose their jobs, or take a cut in salary or benies? That would go a LONG way to solving the money crunch.

More later…

Scary day

2009-05-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

May 5, 2009, Tuesday

The halls felt like a ghost town, the silence deafening. I sat huddled in my office jumping every time someone walked by. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I wanted to run screaming from the building but I felt an obligation to stay put and ride it out. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You see, the word had just come down and 1,000 more FTE’s were given their pink slips this morning. My lead and one of the other guys as well, not to mention many of the PMs, testers, and developers that I’ve been working closely with for three months. Many of them have just left and gone home but I don’t know whether it’s just for the day to lick their wounds, or whether it’s for good. I’ve heard that Friday is the day that their card keys stop working, but I also heard that they still have 60 days to find jobs. Does that mean that they’ll still be here for that long? I just don’t know. What I do know is that the mood is dismal.

I’m confused, depressed, and not a little scared. I hate to sound mercenary but I don’t know what’s going to happen to me now. And no one else seems to have any idea either. The head of our immediate group, who was spared the ax, said we are safe for now but who knows how long “now” is. There are now just two FTE’s left in the documentation group, and the group lead is being very scripted and unemotional sounding about the whole thing. Perhaps he has no choice, perhaps it hasn’t really hit him yet, but for now it seems to be a waiting game. And I hate waiting games.

I’m here but I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. Now or in the near future. The two documents that I’ve been working on are out of my hands at the moment waiting for other people. The newest document I sent out for technical review last night but now I find that at least one of the reviewers was shown the door and I have no idea about the others. So I sit, feeling guilty, and wait trying to amuse myself as best I can...

This just doesn't feel good.

Wow, it's been a LONG time!

2008-09-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

Well hello again,
I can't believe it's almost 2009...and I haven't thought to share for two years. Sorry!

The past two years have been wonderful so I guess I just got caught up in the flow. But now I've got some leisure time on my hands...not too much I hope...so I thought I'd drop in and catch up.

I see that I had painted the bathroom cabinets the last time we talked. Well, this time I redecorated the entire bathroom with new wall paint, faucet, and hardware and it's beautiful. So I'm tackling the second bathroom next. It's always been my project bathroom where I washed my paintbrushes and stored tools. It also was the cat's bathroom but they have both passed away each at the ripe old age of 17, so now I am going to make it look pretty. It's going to be hard to disguise the fact that it's got paint and brushes and tools but I'll manage somehow. Then I'm going to paint the kitchen cupboards. They'll be beautiful too. I want to tackle new floors but I haven't decided what to do yet. I hate carpets so I want to replace them with something else. Laminate perhaps. Which I will do myself, as usual. It'll be a lot of work but I'll take my time...and a lot of Advil. :-)

I've also made up my mind that I'm not going to use this blog as a bitch session. No one wants to listen to that. I'm just going to keep it light and leave the whoa-is-me pity parties to the journals. I'm sure you'll all like that a lot better.

So, as another fall (my favorite season) rolls around again, it's onward and upward. I'm taking a decorative painting class to help revitalize my skills, and I've signed up for a Sci-Fi and Fantasy writing class to kick start my creative juices. Well, that's not true exactly. The juices are flowing, as always, it's just that I can't seem to figure out how to take my ooooh so numerous starts and turn them into plots. The characters and scenes just pop into my head unbidden, I capture them on 3 to 20 pages and then they languish. That's because I don't know where they are going or what they're intended to be about. I'm hoping to learn that in the class. Keep your fingers crossed.

Well enough for now. I'll talk to you soon.